How Are You?

How am I?

I get this question a lot. 

I'd rather hear it 100 times than have someone really care to know but be afraid to ask. 

When we first learned of Grant's diagnosis and impending surgery, Dr. Tomita's nurse looked me right in the face and said, "Listen. He's going to be fine and he won't remember a thing. YOU'RE going to be the one who is traumatized." It sounds kinda harsh when I type it out, but I knew exactly what she meant. 

I'm his mom. 

I carried him for 40 weeks. 

He's a part of me. 

I can be there to calm and comfort him but I can't physically take his pain away. I would in a heartbeat if I could but I can't. 

I think about last summer when I cut the tip of my pinkie finger almost all the way off and had 6 stitches to sew it back together. 

That was my finger. 

This is his HEAD. 

Stitches pull and itch. 

He won't be able to tell me if they're bothering him.

I think about what an awful time nurses have starting an IV on me because I have "valvey veins". 

And it hurts. 

It hurts a lot. 

What if he has the same issues?

The Internet can be a frightening place and Dr. Google can scare the pants off people. But in our circumstances, I am SO thankful for the resources I've found, the support available for parents going through this, and the moms I've connected with already in such a short period of time. I suppose there's a part of me that's waiting to hear some negative story, but every single "cranio mom" I've encountered, every blog I've read, every "before & after" picture I've looked at brings more reassurance that Grant really is going to be ok. 

So I'm educated, I'm aware, and I'm about as prepared as I can be. I think about the scary parts and then instead focus on moments I'm most looking forward to like the first heart warming Grant smile I'll see post surgery. 

(Mallory put one of her doll hats on him at bedtime. I love their sweet relationship!)

I'd like to think I'm facing this head on with some welcomed distractions. We sent our oldest baby to Kindergarten this week and our middle guy decided to start potty training himself which has provided quite a few laughs. More than one person said the exact same thing to me this week, "You CAN'T be sad with Trevor around." And it's true!

Music and scripture also help IMMENSELY. This song has been on repeat in my head all week...

And now that surgery is scheduled and we have a little bit of time to breathe, Psalm 46 brings peace and calm moments. 

And of course, our "village". The cards, emails, texts, & hugs. The amazingly awesome problem of having so many people offer to help that I'm a little overwhelmed by the options I have for the time we'll be in the hospital and the days and weeks following. 

I have one really specific prayer request that our family stays healthy in the coming weeks. Our timeline has been pretty great; not too soon, not too long of a wait. I would hate to have to postpone surgery due to illness. 

That's the long answer to the "How Are You?" question. The short answer is that  I'm doing ok all things considered but I'll be very happy when this is behind us.